Humor For Twisted Minds

New Mexicans Go Home

August 27th, 2010 No Comments

I’m going to break from my normal political correctness and talk about an issue plaguing my state. You see, I live in Colorado, and unfortunately a lot of our uninvited neighbors from south of our border have decided to take up residence here. They say they come here to work and to build a better lives for themselves, but the truth is they are just here for a free ride and to spread their own cultural agenda.

New Mexican Family

Yes, I’m talking about New Mexicans, and I wish they would just pack up and go home to New Mexico.

Every time I call my elected officials to voice my outrage, they just politely dismiss me. I did manage to speak to someone at the Tancredo election campaign who seemed interested in my cause, until he did some checking and found out that New Mexicans are actually citizens, and so they aren’t breaking the law by moving to Colorado. I told him it was time to change that bullshit law, and he hung up on me.

You see, New Mexicans are lazy and are usually uneducated. They stink, and they drive around in their Volvos and SUVs spreading their New Mexican-ism and stinking up the place. Many of them come here just so they can have babies in Colorado, thinking that then their spawn will be legitimate Coloradoans. That sucks, and it is unfair to real Coloradoans who actually belong here.

It gets worse. The other day I saw a New Mexican smiling at my 8 year old daughter, so I said, “What the fuck are you looking at, you filthy New Mexican.” He just looked at me like I was from the moon or something. “Why don’t you go back to Santa Fe and admire some Georga O’Keefe paintings or something.” He ran off crying to his mom, who then started trying to call the cops on her Iphone.

New Mexicans are also thieving bastards. Think about it, they basically tried to steal their identity from Mexico. I feel sorry for Mexican’s who are often confused for New Mexicans. I mean, they do both like spicy food, and live in the desert, and if you aren’t paying close attention, you can make that unfortunate mistake.

Write to Tom Tancredo and tell him to take a stance on the New Mexican problem in his campaign to become our next Colorado governor.

Another One Bites The Dust

August 16th, 2010 1 Comment

At my age, I’ve been past the wedding circuit for a while now. I suppose there will be a second wedding circuit coming when my friends wives divorce them for taking the advice I publish in this blog, but that is still a couple of years away.

Alberto and Wife Who Is Out Of His League

So, the wedding of one of my good friends this weekend was a bit of an anomaly, kinda like a total solar eclipse, or Mel Gibson attending a Bar mitzvah. And, I have to say, as much of a smart ass as I am, I am really happy for them, and really enjoyed myself. My friend, (let’s call him Alberto to protect his privacy) seemed so genuinely happy. And why wouldn’t he be, given that he somehow landed a wife who is way out of his league, and given that he was finally about to lose his virginity.

I tried to give him a little bit of advice to survive marriage, but there was only so much time, and my wife was at my side at all times which made things hard. I didn’t want her to hear all of my carefully honed secrets.

So, on the off chance that he reads this while taking a break from honeymoon sex, here is my relationship advice, freely given.

Practice good listening skills. Wives want to feel like you are listening to all of the stupid drivel that comes out of their pie holes. So, just repeat everything they say. This is irritating, but they will never accuse you of not listening, just of being a retard.
Not every sexual position makes a baby. Alberto is going to be a great father, so I hope he doesn’t lose valuable time trying to make a baby through anal sex the way my wife and I did. If only her doctor had told her when she went off the pill.
Set expectations early. A couple of weeks into the marriage, go out drinking one night, and just don’t come home at all. When she finally asks where the hell you have been, tell her that it is none of her damn business. Then compromise by agreeing to always tell her where you are going and when you are coming home if she will give you a blow job every time you ask for one. Compromise is what a healthy marriage is all about.
Don’t every tell your wife about your blog. Nuff said.
Lie. Here are a few that I use often: “No, that dress doesn’t make you look fat.” “No, it doesn’t bother me that you cry uncontrollably while we are having sex.” “Yes, I get so lonely when you and the kids are away and I’m home by myself.” “No, I have never fantasized about your sister giving me a lap dance.” And so on, and so on.
Demonstrate your incompetence. Whenever you are asked to do some domestic chore, fuck it up beyond belief. I call this the savvy husband strategy. I’ve recently extended this into employment now that I have been laid off. She earns the bacon, and I’m pretty sure is convinced that I’m unemployable. Meanwhile, I spend the day writing this shit and looking at internet porn.

Anyway, Alberto, take this advice or not, your choice. Either way, you are a lucky guy.

Little Johnny, You Suck!

July 27th, 2010 No Comments

My son is playing little league baseball, and every Saturday before the game I have to take a hand full of sedatives to keep from going crazy. That is because of the travesty that is now the face of modern day youth sports.

My son plays in a “non-competitive” league, and that is a fucking understatement. In each inning, every kid gets to bat, I mean they go through the whole rotation no matter what. When a kid hits a foul ball, he still runs to the base, and then stays there. Sometimes, when a kid forgets to run to the next base, and the other team tags the base, instead of calling a forced out, they just let him take his base. No score is kept, so that way, everyone is a “winner”.

As if all of that weren’t infuriating enough, the comments of the parents put me over the top, even while under heavy sedation. Some moron kid gets up and swings the bat at every pitch AFTER it is in the catchers glove, and then the parents clap and yell,”Good job, little Johnny”. Then when a grounder gets hit right next to little Johnny’s feet, and he doesn’t even move because he is too busy picking a snack out of his nose, they yell, “Good job little Johnny.”

Guess what? It isn’t a good job, little Johnny, it is a less than quarter assed, pathetic, embarrassing display worthy of a first class loser. “You fucking suck, little Johnny!” I want to yell. “Go sit in the fucking porta-potty and breathe the methane until you fucking pass out, or until this fucking game is over!”

But then, if they did that, the whole team (except my son, of course) would be crowding into the porta-potty breathing shit fumes because every one of them sucks. And why wouldn’t they? With no outs and no score, they have no incentive to try. They know they are spending the rest of the afternoon eating pork rinds and playing Xbox no matter how well they do.

How are these little losers going to cope when the get older, all the while thinking they are awesome, only to meet some bastard like me who really tells it like it is. Better to learn that they suck now, so they have time to deal with it before any money is on the line. I like to set realistic expectations for my son when I can, so I tell him things like, “No matter how hard you try at anything, there will always be 1,000 or more people out there who are better than you at it.” Or, “If you think that you are really good at something, that just means that you are too stupid to realize that you actually suck.” He will be so much better off for it than little fucking Johnny, believe me.

1 Week Left

July 23rd, 2010 No Comments

Unfortunately, the gravy train that has been my job is coming to an end. I guess they finally caught on, and decided to hire a potted plant to replace me. I hear they aren’t even paying benefits to the plant.

Anyway, while I’m not bitter, I am sorry to see my paycheck go. And, I’ve decided to have a lot of fun with my last week of employment, I mean, they are already getting rid of me, so what else can they do. Here are some of the things I have going on for chuckles:

Changed my email signature – you know how dumb people put lofty sounding quotes in their outlook email signature, presumably to try to hide the fact that they are dumb? I added a quote to mine:

“I’m on a bus, on a psychedelic trip, even murdering folks, just trying to stay hip. I’m thinking of you when you’re out there, so say your prayers.” – William Idol.

My boss has been avoiding me ever since I sent him my last email.

Set up random meetings – I have been scheduling a lot of meetings lately, and all of them happen well after I’m gone. They all are related to a top secret project, project TCB (taking care of business). So far, everyone has accepted, even the CFO. I decided to have one of them in a hotel in Omaha.

Petitioned to start a new diversity group – I think it is time for my company to start respecting my diversity. So, I’ve asked to found the white heterosexual male employee union at my company. I figure in our first meeting, we can catch a game, hit a strip club, and complain about minorities, gays, women, and potted plants stealing our future.

Tell my coworkers about my secret crushes on them – I think openness is the best policy always. Now that I’m leaving, I can be open with the co-workers that I fantasize about naked in a hot tub full of coleslaw. I can’t say that everyone has embraced this approach, but Byron the janitor seemed to be glad I came clean with him.

So, bottom line is, I’m looking for a job. If you need a professional smart ass, or a professional masturbater, please drop me a line.

How to Eliminate the National Debt

July 14th, 2010 No Comments

This post is for you, congress. Everybody knows that our debt is out of control. Analysts predict that the US debt will reach 100% of total GDP by 2020, and 20 trillion by 2015. Our Kenyan president and his democratic buddies in congress put us 1.4 trillion in the hole last year alone.

So, what’s a superpower to do? They say think global and act local, I say turn that sucker around and apply the wisdom of big business and organized crime to solve this one. Here are four stellar ideas to solve the problem:

Cancel the office Christmas party – or in other words, stop giving our cash away to Israel and every armpit nation in the world with their hands out. That’s a no brainer.

Demand Protection Money - We spend more on our military than the next 15 biggest defense spenders combined, it’s time we used that muscle to generate some cash. Japan has no military, and is the second largest economy in the world. I think they should start paying us to make sure they are protected from the risk of two more nukes going off. Then we go after the spineless Canadians, they will pay for sure.

Eliminate Non-Performing Assets – Here I’m talking about old people and the poor. Medicare / Medicaid and Social Security are bankrupting this country. Plus, 50% of Americans have incomes so low they don’t pay any federal taxes. Those folks need to go. We should start giving free Heroin out at monster truck shows and country music concerts. Maybe start a Russian Roulette reality TV show with free tryouts in every city. Plus, since old folks are the only ones that give a crap about voting, make it mandatory that you survive 3 rounds of ultimate fighting if you want to cast a ballot. If all that fails, we could just round those folks off and ship them to Mexico. But then, they probably wouldn’t have a very hard time sneaking across the border to get back, nobody does.

Restructure – This one is complicated, so try to follow along. We spin off North Dakota, and make it a new country called the North Dakota Democratic Republic. When we do, we spin off the entire national debt with it. Of course, they don’t make the payments and are totally fucked, but nobody lives there anyway. If we ever decide that we want it back (although I’m not sure why we would), all we have to do is declare that they have weapons of mass destruction (they actually do by the way) and then invade. And if Canada is late with its protection payment, we just keep going into whatever province that is north of North Dakota which I don’t know the name of because I’m an American and none of us could name a single Canadian province to save our lives.

The Tao of Lindsay

July 7th, 2010 1 Comment

If you have been reading my posts for awhile know, you won’t be surprised to hear that I’m a deep, spiritual person. While I don’t subscribe to any particular organized religion, I find myself particularly drawn to Taoism.

One of the central tenets of Taoism is aligning your thoughts and actions with the natural order of things, and developing an acceptance of things as they are. That is why I am totally opposed to the discrimination that Lindsay Lohan has faced for being Lindsay Lohan (not very Taoist of me, I know).

Let Lindsay drink for God’s sake. Let her party! Let her do Tequila shots off the asses of other hot chicks. That is what Lindsay does. To ask her to do anything else is to deny her true nature, it is I would argue, to ask her not to be Lindsay Lohan.

Plus, this is America, and Lindsay Lohan is hot. I’m pretty sure that special privileges for hot celebrity chicks is written into the constitution. I was willing to stand by when our government suspended Habeas Corpus when they passed the Patriot Act, and incarcerated hundreds of people in illegal secret prisons, but I won’t stand by for this one.

Free Lindsay Lohan now, America, so we can avoid this cultural crisis and get back to our super sized fries.

Re-Living My Youth

June 24th, 2010 No Comments

The family vacation is almost at an end, and it has been a hoot. Here we are in Vero Beach, FL, not far from where I grew up. It is awesome to get to relive so many of the good times of my youth.

Like hitting the beach every day, masturbating a lot, not having sex, seeing sea turtles lay their eggs, masturbating next to sea turtles laying their eggs, boogie boarding, ogling hot bikini clad girls on the beach, getting closer to them and realizing they are only 15, running off to find a place to masturbate, etc.

Good, good times. We may come here every year.

BTW, please don’t break into my house when I’m gone, or if you do, please steal all of the ridiculous decorative pillows off the master bed.

Church For Gays

June 8th, 2010 No Comments

If you live in Colorado like I do, you have probably heard of Ted Haggard (not to be confused with Merle Haggard). Ted used to be a minister in a conservative Colorado Springs church, where he frequently preached against the sins of homosexuality. But, it turns out that on the side, Ted was sharing drugs and blowjobs with another dude.

Bill and Ted Go to Hell

After he was outed, he went through intensive church therapy to cleanse him of his gayness. Even though the church claimed that it worked, they kicked him out anyway, just to be sure.

Now Ted is back, with his own new church, where he says, “Everyone is welcome, even gays and addicts.” My guess is that what he meant to say was, especially gays and addicts.

I’m sure this will be a different brand of church. Imagine the free, skin tight t-shirts given out at bible school that say, “Who would Jesus Do?”, with Ted’s picture on them? Or the blowjobs for Jesus fundraiser?

When they pass the donation plate, is it ok to put a fist full of anal strength condoms in there? In the annual church passion play, does Jesus literally ride an ass into Bethleham?

There is a good chance that I’m already going to hell, but this post probably seals the deal. I’ll see all of you there.

Most Disgusting Thing Ever

June 3rd, 2010 2 Comments

This last weekend, the most disgusting thing that has ever happened to me, happened to me. It was Memorial Day weekend, and so I took the kids camping. Since I’m not one to hold onto a turd for the whole weekend, I had to take a dump on the very first day there.

And that meant a trip to the port-a-potty. Normally these things are ok, I mean I’m not all that particular about where I take a dump. And this one was relatively clean and didn’t even stink too bad.

But, it still had the traditional shit and piss stew boiling around in the tank, and staring back at me when I opened the lid. Again, not unexpected. In fact, since it was early in the weekend, the shit volcano hadn’t even broken the surface of the blue water yet.

And, that, it turned out, was the problem. When I “dropped the boys off at the pool” they decided to do cannonballs. And that meant, the shit and piss soup of strangers splashing up all over my ass and balls. Since I was camping, I had no access to a shower, I just had to wear it for a long 3 day weekend.

I’ve had a few days to get over it now, but the odd cauliflower-like growth that formed the day after the event is still there.

Insulting Other Shoppers With Tampons

May 7th, 2010 1 Comment

For some reason, people who are shopping at a store get really pissed off when you ask them for help. The other day I was doing the grocery shopping from the list my wife put together, and I came to an item I had never bought before. It is called, “Tampons”.

How the fuck am I supposed to know where they keep the tampons? So, unlike most men who would just wander around aimlessly until they tripped over a tampon, I actually asked some lady.

“Excuse me, Miss, can you tell me where the tampons are stocked,” I asked some slovenly, red shirted woman who was roaming the aisles.

“I don’t work here,” the bitch replies to me, acting completely offended that I would assume that someone who looked like her could actually be gainfully employed in this economy.

“Ok, so anyway, do you know where they keep the tampons,” I tried again.

“Like I said, I don’t work here.” Now she’s really pissed. How dare I.

“Well, you look like you do.” I said. “I mean, you’re wearing a red shirt, and this is Target, and you don’t have a cart, and you have that grocery store clerk look to you,” I said, now determined to push her buttons. “So why don’t you just tell me where the tampons are, so I don’t have to call the manager. And watch the attitude while you’re at it.”

“I don’t WORK HERE… and you watch YOUR attitude, jerk!” She was older, and probably not used to calling people “asshole” or “fuck face” or any of the other names my wife calls me.

“Listen lady,” I continue, “even if you don’t work here, which I doubt, I’m assuming that you are a woman, and therefore have a vagina. So just tell me where you get that stuff you jam up there once a month, and to be clear, I’m not asking you to direct me to the bananas or coke bottles.” At this point, she was so pissed, she was unable to speak. She just screamed in anger and stormed away.

And I still didn’t know where the tampons were.

So, I just started walking down the aisles, yelling “TAMPONS,” and “Somebody find me some Tampons quick!” I finally ran into a real store clerk, and he showed me where the tampons were, which was awesome.

By the way, you can have a lot of fun at a grocery store with Tampons. I opened up several boxes, and placed them all throughout the store, like some crazy tampon Easter Bunny. Tampons in the produce. Tampons with the frozen Popsicles. I even put some tampons in with the beer. I’m going to start doing that at home too, that way when I yell, “Bitch, get me a beer,” and she yells “Go Fuck Yourself,” I can tell her to get herself a tampon while she is getting me a beer, and then maybe there will be something in it for her too.